2016 Power Rankings-Week 3
Introduction Two weeks of football are in the books and NFL players are starting to drop like flies, or like NFL players after two weeks of football. Similar to last year, we have a first round running back out, but at least it’s only for possibly the rest of his career. The Patriots, meanwhile, are down to their third string QB. I’d say “now we know how the Browns feel” except the Patriots keep winning, so really there’s no comparison. In any case, you’d be lying if you said a part of you didn’t want to see Julian Edelman in at QB tonight. In LoC news, Shotti has officially begun his quest for a third trophy, and Paddock 9 continues his journey to the first overall pick in the 2017 draft. Paddock 9 losing every week is very comforting to me. If you only focus on that you don’t even notice that Garoppoblow Me only has three fewer all-time losses than Paddock 9. Lucky for GBM, they control the media. So let’s dive into these rankings while I try to figure out how my league is being dominated by two dads and a girl. Stat Notes * TSB becomes the 8th team to 12,000 regular season points. They are threatening to overtake Papa’s Posse and Paddock 9 despite playing 13 fewer games. * GBM takes over first place in regular season points against totals. They overtake Papa’s Posse and hold the lead by 0.06, so the situation is fluid. There is something poetic about the commish, who decides the scoring rules, having more points scored against him than any other team in league history. * MMMS becomes the second team to reach 40 regular season wins. * Peeled Eggplant becomes the fifth team to reach 30 regular season losses. * Dee finally passes IAMGROOT into 9th all time in wins. They now have one more win than IAG (and fourteen more losses). * JarJar moves into a tie for 11th all-time in wins. * MMMS becomes the first team to 17,000 combined points. MVP becomes the second. * RIP becomes the third team to reach 16,000 combined points. Peeled becomes the fourth. * Papa’s Posse becomes the 6th team to reach 15,000 combined points. Paddock 9 becomes the seventh. Survivor Update Two more teams bit the dust this week. Burns obviously had no interest in playing as he chose a floundering team in arguably the closest matchup of the week. As for myself, I thought the whole “Detroit has not beaten the Titans in the 21st century” thing was just a fluke. So now we are down to six teams. Pick by Thursday kickoff if you want the Pats or Texans, pick by Sunday kickoff otherwise. Power Rankings 1(1). Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 60.28 TPS - 303.86 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 1 When I ragged on Dee for drafting Doug Martin (again) and Jamaal Charles (AGAIN!), I really had no idea just how right I would be. Charles has yet to see the field and Martin is out the next three weeks. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we draft guys we know are going to break in half the minute they get on the field, or in Charles’ case the minute he gets out of bed in the morning? ---- 2(3). Papa’s Posse Bench Points - 133.54 TPS - 351.18 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 8 Papa’s Posse has never won the first two games of the season, so we are already in new territory. For that they get bumped up to their highest ranking ever in the LOC. A win in week three and we have a legitimate powerhouse on our hands. PP has the second most points scored in the early goings, despite several instances of incorrect starts/sits. They have yet to start Diggs, who leads the league in receiving through two weeks, or Carson Palmer, who is 7th in the entire league in fantasy points. In fact Papa's bench put up so many points it almost beat RIPDab. When you’re winning it’s no big thing, but when you lose it’s another story. Watkins and Moncrief are both hurting so depth will be tested early. Lucky for Papa, this team is en fuego! ---- 3(2). Peeled Eggplant Bench Points - 47.45 TPS - 264.80 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 10 Small drop for Peeled after Dee made eggplant parm out of them this week. Still a decent showing for the aubergine nightshade. With the highest losing score in the league, PE put up a decent fight but was no match for the league’s leading lady. While they can’t expect to win a championship with their kicker putting up 20 and their first overall pick putting up 10, there is a good chance that staying healthy will get them back in the playoffs. ---- 4(4). The Shotti Bunch Bench Points - 36.48 TPS - 261.29 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 4 The ground and pound attack is back. The Shotti Bunch running backs scored a league high 86.49 points a week after having an uncustomarily bad day on the ground. TSB has always fared well against GBM as they are 7-2 lifetime against the commish. They are also 1-0 since Brady got his hair cut. Going up against MMMS this week, they have a chance to build upon their recent success or return to their historical shortcomings against the mommas. ---- 5(7). JarJar Stinks! Bench Points - 92.83 TPS - 323.47 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 3 Jar Jar is now an astonishing 4-0 against Paddock 9, which is shocking considering JarJar has faced 4 other teams in the league only once. All in a day’s work for JJ. You think Burns wastes time giving a shit about playing some filthy bottom feeder team? He’s too busy hanging out with Grammy Award-winning multi-platinum artist Hayley Williams in Hollywood. Fucking Joe Burns. Burns has one of the best receiving corps in the league for the second year in a row, but with Foster out there is absolutely no one on the roster for JJ to sub in at the RB spot. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck looks to have lost the clutch gene that in recent years has brought the Colts to within 38 points of a Super Bowl appearance. Not to worry, a bounceback game is in store for Luck against the Chargers and GBM. ---- 6(5). HELLEVATOR MVP Bench Points - 103.11 TPS - 285.06 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 5 In 2012 MVP lost opening weekend and then won 11 of their next 12, so there was some optimism going into week two that opening day was just a fluke. Now that optimism will have to be carried over to week three, when their 0-2 team goes toe to toe with another 0-2 team. MVP acquired Fuzzy Whitaker from the Panthers Sunday night, and with his RB corps injured and/or struggling they are in desperate need of some run support for David Johnson. What is the answer for MVP? Is it another name change? God I hope not. ---- 7(6). Garoppoblow Me Bench Points - 102.20 TPS - 305.88 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 2 No Gronk, no Bell, no Woodhead, no problem...Is what I would be saying if I’d started Isiah Crowell or Matt Ryan. But if “if” was a skiff we could all go for a ride. A week ago GBM was handed an undeserving win. This week they find themselves wishing they’d made one key change to the lineup that would have ensured them a convincing victory. But we are defined by our wins and losses, not by our hindsight. The loss of Woodhead early in the Chargers game put any thoughts of an upset to rest. As a replacement, San Diego is bringing in Dexter McCluster. Would it be a good idea to sign him on to the GBM squad? Let’s see what two random people on the internet think. Well there you have it folks! Not to worry, the rest of the team is staying healthy for now. Maybe I’ll go ahead and make a comment about how if I can stay healthy and everyone else’s teams can get riddled with injury, I’ll have a shot at winning the title. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. ---- 8(9). Ma ma momma said Bench Points - 46 TPS - 263.49 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 9 Speaking of the Matt Jinx: Although give me some credit, I did say in the week one rankings that I thought Peterson was a risky first round pick. He pretty much sucked right up until his career ended on Sunday night. Hey, speaking of career enders, how about that new Sunday Night Football theme song? No way Carrie Underwood is ever taken seriously again, right? And hey, speaking of never being taken seriously again, what does MMMS need to do in order to save this death spiral of a season? Not only did they lose Peterson, who was a waste of space to begin with, but they lose a pretty decent flex player in Abdullah. They are being given 50/50 odds against the champ, so if they win this week I really have no choice but to tip my cap and call momma my daddy. ---- 9(8). RIPDab Bench Points - 79.93 TPS - 269.38 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 6 RIP needs to throw on “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and skip to the surfing scene. Sort of like when I try to be funny in the power rankings, RIP is trying way too hard to find the winning combination and is dropping players that end up putting up great numbers. They lead the league with ten roster moves. They only made 31 all of last season. And all that moving and shaking has brought them to 0-2 and made them the only team to fail to reach 200 points so far this year. With their loss this week they moved to 39-39 all-time. Where do they go from here? How will the RIP legacy be defined? ---- 10(10). Paddock 9 Bench Points - 49.88 TPS - 252.76 2015 Week 3 Ranking - 7 Now let me get one thing straight: I do not "like" seeing Patrick suffer. Sure, his loss is my gain. He basically makes my chances of making playoffs 1 in 3 instead of 3 in 5 because he takes up one of the consolation spots. But no, I do not "enjoy" Patrick's suffering. Sure, I like being able to rag on him in the rankings. I like knowing that when I face him I'm guaranteed a win. I like that he talks sooo much unsubstantiated shit to start the season and then basically disappears by the last month. But no, I do not "find pleasure" in Patrick's suffering. Let me just be clear about that. As for his actual team, I think he could use some help at tight end. I'm also curious how long Gordon is going to take up a bench spot when there is so much free agency talent actually suiting up on Sundays. He has some work to do to make up for the loss of Allen. Good news for Paddock 9 though. They only face the best team in the league this week. I'm sure everything will work out just fine. MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - The Desperation Derby If you think week three is too early to panic, think again. In LoC history, seven teams have started 0-3. Only one of those teams made the playoffs. That was back in 2011, when Peeled Eggplant (then known as Pain Train WOO WOO) started 0-3 before breaking off a 9 game winning streak. This was in a league without The Shotti Bunch and without HELLEVATOR MVP, two teams that make up 50% of the league championships. That brings us to the matchup of the week. Two 0-2 teams looking early disaster in the face. The once great MVP started last season 0-3 and never recovered. RIP has never started 0-3 and can ill afford to lose this matchup as they will go on to face Dee and Papa in back to back weeks. RIP is projected to slaughter but we all know projections don't mean much, especially when we're talking about RIP v MVP.